As some of you have heard (unless you live under a rock or only watch reality TV) Countrywide was acquired by Bank of America today. In a press release today Bank of America purchased Countrywide Financial Corporation for 4 billion dollars in stock. Yes, I am going to lose money in this merger. No, I do not believe that I am going to lose my job.
One thing that you may or may not know about me is that I am loyal. I am very loyal to the company I work with especially when I believe in what they do, and their business model. As a result I invested in the company and will take a hit with this merger. I do not believe that I will lose my job.
If you know me, as most of you do, I have a very strong belief that God will provide. If he deems it's necessary for me to leave this company it will happen and another door will open. I wanted to address this here in case people were wondering.
We are moving forward and I believe that we will accomplish great things this year. It's in Gods hands, so let's see what happens...
Friday, January 11, 2008
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Goodbye 2007, Hello 2008...
Well, another year has come and gone... This has been one amazing year. I think that every year I learn something about myself is a good year. I was inspired to write this by my friend Robb (thanks for the inspiration).
I started out 2007 with a severe case of Poison Oak. Little did I know that I was highly allergic to it, and had to discard the clothes I was wearing that faithful day. I guess that is the price you pay for geocaching. Again, thanks Robb and David. :)
I accomplished a great deal professionally this year, and am grateful for the opportunities that were presented to me. Although I work in the mortgage industry and watched many people that I have worked with over the past five years get laid off, I was one of the lucky ones. I had the unfortunate task of letting a couple people go, but also was able to bring someone back who quit in the wake of the "right sizing" that was happening within my division. For those that don't know "right sizing" is the new politically correct term for layoffs. I guess it sounds better then down sizing. I had four managers last year, but am happy to report that in spite of all the changes I am working hard and continue to learn and grow. My team is where I want it to be, and I know that we will accomplish great things in 2008.
Personally things were also good. The first part of the year took me on my first business trip to Arizona, which allowed me to spend some time with friends that have relocated and bond with some new friends. 2007 also provided me with some tremendous insight into Rick. I wont go into it here, but let's just say that I have grown spiritually, and learned some very difficult lessons.
This past year brought some sadness and a great deal of joy. In the middle of the year I lost my grandfather. He was 93 years old and living with Alzheimer's. I wasn't able to be there to say goodbye, but am happy that I had the time with him I did over my life. Around the same time as his departure from this plain we had a blessed event in the birth of Elliot Michael McDonald. Our very dear friends allowed us to be a part of this amazing event. He was born on June 19, and is the most amazing little guy. We get to see him grow and change, and love every minute we get to be with him. He is one lucky guy, as he probably has two of the most talented and loving parents. He's also lucky to have Uncle Rick and Jeffrey too! :)
When I was younger I had this vision of what I wanted a relationship to be. After everything my parents went through they have the most amazing bond. After more then 30 years together you can see the love and passion that still exists within their relationship. This is what I wanted for myself. Fifteen plus years ago I found what I was looking for. Jeffrey came into my life and I knew in my heart (although not in my head...) that this was the person who would give me that feeling. We still look at each other, and I can't believe that I found that one person who would make my heart beat a little faster, my head a little lighter and still sweep me off my feet everyday. I never truly new what love was until that day in November when we stayed up all night and talked. I don't think that there has ever been another person who I could sit with and talk to for twelve hours. He is the light of my life and I can't wait to see what the next sixty years holds.
The last part of this year was all about family. Jeffrey and I went to Northern California after Christmas to spend some quality time with my family. I have two of the most amazing nephews ever who I love so much. I only wish that they lived closer. They are so smart and beautiful. I can't wait to see what's next for them in their lives. I always love seeing my parents. They are two of the most amazing people and I love them both so much.
Finally, as 2008 is here I get to see the birth of another baby, when my dear friend Sheila brings her little daughter into the world. We are planning a trip to see our wonderfully amazing friends in DC, and who knows what else this year has in store for us. I continue to grow in my job, and look forward to more learning, and more growth. I also look forward to those cozy nights on the couch with Jeffrey, whether we are talking or watching the Simpson's it's one of the best things in my life.
I wish everyone a happy, healthy 2008. I hope it brings you everything you desire.
I started out 2007 with a severe case of Poison Oak. Little did I know that I was highly allergic to it, and had to discard the clothes I was wearing that faithful day. I guess that is the price you pay for geocaching. Again, thanks Robb and David. :)
I accomplished a great deal professionally this year, and am grateful for the opportunities that were presented to me. Although I work in the mortgage industry and watched many people that I have worked with over the past five years get laid off, I was one of the lucky ones. I had the unfortunate task of letting a couple people go, but also was able to bring someone back who quit in the wake of the "right sizing" that was happening within my division. For those that don't know "right sizing" is the new politically correct term for layoffs. I guess it sounds better then down sizing. I had four managers last year, but am happy to report that in spite of all the changes I am working hard and continue to learn and grow. My team is where I want it to be, and I know that we will accomplish great things in 2008.
Personally things were also good. The first part of the year took me on my first business trip to Arizona, which allowed me to spend some time with friends that have relocated and bond with some new friends. 2007 also provided me with some tremendous insight into Rick. I wont go into it here, but let's just say that I have grown spiritually, and learned some very difficult lessons.
This past year brought some sadness and a great deal of joy. In the middle of the year I lost my grandfather. He was 93 years old and living with Alzheimer's. I wasn't able to be there to say goodbye, but am happy that I had the time with him I did over my life. Around the same time as his departure from this plain we had a blessed event in the birth of Elliot Michael McDonald. Our very dear friends allowed us to be a part of this amazing event. He was born on June 19, and is the most amazing little guy. We get to see him grow and change, and love every minute we get to be with him. He is one lucky guy, as he probably has two of the most talented and loving parents. He's also lucky to have Uncle Rick and Jeffrey too! :)
When I was younger I had this vision of what I wanted a relationship to be. After everything my parents went through they have the most amazing bond. After more then 30 years together you can see the love and passion that still exists within their relationship. This is what I wanted for myself. Fifteen plus years ago I found what I was looking for. Jeffrey came into my life and I knew in my heart (although not in my head...) that this was the person who would give me that feeling. We still look at each other, and I can't believe that I found that one person who would make my heart beat a little faster, my head a little lighter and still sweep me off my feet everyday. I never truly new what love was until that day in November when we stayed up all night and talked. I don't think that there has ever been another person who I could sit with and talk to for twelve hours. He is the light of my life and I can't wait to see what the next sixty years holds.
The last part of this year was all about family. Jeffrey and I went to Northern California after Christmas to spend some quality time with my family. I have two of the most amazing nephews ever who I love so much. I only wish that they lived closer. They are so smart and beautiful. I can't wait to see what's next for them in their lives. I always love seeing my parents. They are two of the most amazing people and I love them both so much.
Finally, as 2008 is here I get to see the birth of another baby, when my dear friend Sheila brings her little daughter into the world. We are planning a trip to see our wonderfully amazing friends in DC, and who knows what else this year has in store for us. I continue to grow in my job, and look forward to more learning, and more growth. I also look forward to those cozy nights on the couch with Jeffrey, whether we are talking or watching the Simpson's it's one of the best things in my life.
I wish everyone a happy, healthy 2008. I hope it brings you everything you desire.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Sometime's I wonder...
One of the things that I have learned throughout my life is that I am a people pleaser. I have also learned how to manage that, and to those I consider close friends I am honest. The problem I have is this tends to get me into trouble. I have a friend who is so afraid to hurt my feelings they tell me lies. The funny thing is that I always catch them in these lies. Tonight I found out that they told another lie, and the funny thing is that I believe that they are telling their friends to help keep this secret. The thing about lies is that they always catch up to you. I know this from experience.
I like to think that I am an easy going guy. I go with the flow and take things in stride. The only thing I ask from the people in my life is honesty and a little openness when needed. For the most part I have that with those I am closest too, but sometimes that one person needs to tell that lie. I remember when I was little my Mom telling me that it wasn't what I did that was such a big deal, but the fact that I lied about it (I have heard that from someone else too...) I think that sometimes I get so caught up in things that I think in that insane moment that it's easier to lie, and not deal with the situation. I like to think that I have enough common sense today to catch myself in those rare moments and think before something untrue leaves my mouth.
Now, back to this person. I think that what bugs me more then anything was their statement that once someone lies or cheats or so on the trust is broken. I like to think that I treat people the way I would like to be treated, so I assume that if someone makes a statement like that they will live that in their life.
The funny thing is that these are all very petty lies and I shouldn't really care, but it's something that I don't do, so I guess I expect that from those in my life.
I guess it's true the lie is always worse then the action. I get to live that and see what they were talking about. Lesson learned.
I like to think that I am an easy going guy. I go with the flow and take things in stride. The only thing I ask from the people in my life is honesty and a little openness when needed. For the most part I have that with those I am closest too, but sometimes that one person needs to tell that lie. I remember when I was little my Mom telling me that it wasn't what I did that was such a big deal, but the fact that I lied about it (I have heard that from someone else too...) I think that sometimes I get so caught up in things that I think in that insane moment that it's easier to lie, and not deal with the situation. I like to think that I have enough common sense today to catch myself in those rare moments and think before something untrue leaves my mouth.
Now, back to this person. I think that what bugs me more then anything was their statement that once someone lies or cheats or so on the trust is broken. I like to think that I treat people the way I would like to be treated, so I assume that if someone makes a statement like that they will live that in their life.
The funny thing is that these are all very petty lies and I shouldn't really care, but it's something that I don't do, so I guess I expect that from those in my life.
I guess it's true the lie is always worse then the action. I get to live that and see what they were talking about. Lesson learned.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
What's stopping me...
When my Father died almost three years ago I decided that I wanted to write a book. While sitting in the airport waiting for my plane to board an idea came to me... I should write a book based on my fathers life. Although there are many missing pieces and much of what my father told me over the last few years was probably not all true, I think it would make for an interesting read. I finally decided that I would write something fiction that was based (very loosely) on his life, and what I know. What I don't I guess I will just make up. That's why it's based on his life, rather then a factual depiction of his life.
The problem is that over the last three years I have spent a great deal of time talking about this, and yet I just can't seem to sit down and write. I think that a part of me is resistant to the process of writing something so personal, and the emotions it will bring up. My very good friend Jeanette is in the final stages of completing a book about her Grandmother. Although she hasn't shared any of it with me, the feedback I have heard from others is great. She told me the last time I saw her to sit down and just start writing. The words will come. I think that what I will do is start writing it here, and see what comes of this new approach.
There, writing about it here has given me the idea to write about it here... (I know, I am a bit weird)... Since I am not feeling 100% tonight, I am going to pack my gym bag and go to bed early. I will start writing sometime this week. Maybe Saturday morning while Jeffrey is still sleeping.
So, look for the first part of the book in my mind (I hope it comes out well, as it sounds great in my head).
Enough of the mundane rantings of someone who is ill and tired...
The problem is that over the last three years I have spent a great deal of time talking about this, and yet I just can't seem to sit down and write. I think that a part of me is resistant to the process of writing something so personal, and the emotions it will bring up. My very good friend Jeanette is in the final stages of completing a book about her Grandmother. Although she hasn't shared any of it with me, the feedback I have heard from others is great. She told me the last time I saw her to sit down and just start writing. The words will come. I think that what I will do is start writing it here, and see what comes of this new approach.
There, writing about it here has given me the idea to write about it here... (I know, I am a bit weird)... Since I am not feeling 100% tonight, I am going to pack my gym bag and go to bed early. I will start writing sometime this week. Maybe Saturday morning while Jeffrey is still sleeping.
So, look for the first part of the book in my mind (I hope it comes out well, as it sounds great in my head).
Enough of the mundane rantings of someone who is ill and tired...
Sunday, November 25, 2007
17 Years of Sobriety today...
Written, October 15, 2007
Today I celebrate 17 years of sobriety. I decided that it was time to write something about this, and what it means to me.
I still remember that first drink. I was sitting on the roof of our carport with friends (I was eleven years old), and one of them brought a six pack of Budweiser. I still remember the taste, but more importantly I remember the feeling I got after drinking that one beer. I spent the next ten years chasing that feeling.
I grew up in Alcoholics Anonymous. My Grandfather would have celebrated 41 years next month (he died 13 years ago), my Mom just celebrated 36 years and my Brother 18. It's a blessing to have these amazing examples in my life. My Father never got it and died two had a half years ago maintaining control.
17 years ago I called my younger Brother, because I couldn't live like this anymore. He gave me the name of someone to call in Los Angeles, and I immediately avoided calling. I was living with a friend who had dated someone who was sober. He called him and I went to my first meeting, not as Susan's son or Ralph's grandson, but Rick an Alcoholic. It immediately became a social gathering for me, and I wasn't willing to do anything except not take a drink. I knew what to say having grown up in the program, but my talk was just that talk. About three months into my sobriety someone told me to sit down and shut up. It was time to start listening. I am glad that I was receptive at that point, and whether it was because I wanted to please (I am a people pleaser), or really ready to listen I don't know. I do know that I took what was said and started listening. This got me through that first year of sobriety. I had a sponsor and built a solid group of friends. After that first year, I started to have thoughts that maybe I wasn't old enough, maybe I hadn't gone through enough to actually stay sober. I believe that this was the first time I actually asked for help from some higher power. That next Monday, in walked this beautiful young woman. She was 21 and five years sober. She saved my life that night. She proved to me that it didn't matter how old you were, only that you had a desire to stop drinking. I didn't want to go back to that life and realized that night that I didn't have to drink again. She is still the one constant in my life from those early days. We were roommates for awhile, and it was walking from our place to school one morning that I had my first of many spiritual awakenings. For some reason that morning (I always reflected while walking to school) I asked God to restore me to sanity.
Over the years my life has changed. I met, fell in love with and am still with the same person. We celebrate our fifteenth anniversary in less then one month. In 1995 I changed careers and continue to grow as a result. I started showing up for life. I started living everyday for just that day. I plan for my future, and I don't believe that I will ever drink again. What I do know is that I have a reprieve from my desire to drink today. I pray and meditate every morning and have a very strong connection to God.
There have been many people who have touched my life over the past 17 years. There are only a few outside of my family that have had such a profound impact that I will mention it here. There's that one friend who asked me once if my God was big enough to handle whatever I was going through at that time. I said, "No." He told me "fine, then get a new God. One that is big enough to handle the situation." It was at that point that I realized that it was my Higher Power. Then there was that one friend who told me early on that he liked me and wanted me to come around more. I don't ever remember a point in my life where someone actually told me that they liked me. I know it's very Sally Field, but someone who grew up with the pains and struggles to be liked, as I did was finally able to see that I was likeable just for being me. I can say that has changed over the past 17 years. J When I was five years sober my closest friend at the time told me that she was tired of trying to be someone different for each person. I realized at that point that if you didn't like for who I was then we weren't meant to be friends and that was OK.
Finally, something my Grandfather told me has stuck with me always. When I was trying to decide whether or not I wanted my Father in my life (at that point we hadn't spoken in over a year (this was after not seeing him from ages 14 – 20). He told me that I had to make a decision. Do I want my Father in my life? If I did, I needed to let go of all my preconceived ideas and let him be who he is going to be. He was a spiritually sick man, and I had to remove the label of Father and see the man. If I didn't want a relationship with him then I needed to tell him and let him go. On the two hour drive back from Palm Springs I went through it in my head. I prayed for an answer, and by the time I got home one was revealed. I called my Father and am happy to say that we had an amazing relationship. Once I let go of all my ideas and notions it became clear that we could have a relationship. Four months before he died he came to Los Angeles for the first time in twenty years. We bonded over that week. I was able to support him through his rough times, and get some closure. When he died, I was sad, but I had no regrets. We had said everything we needed to, and I know that he loved me in the best way he knew how.
None of these amazing things would have happened without my sobriety, my relationship with God, or the amazing people that have come into my life. I have many things to be grateful for in my life and I count those blessings everyday.
Thank you to Jeffrey, Toni, Rick L, Pamela, Nancy, Jack, Lauren, my entire family and all of the amazing friends I have today. Without all of these people, some who are still a big part of my life, some who have departed and some who have passed away, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Without these lessons or these amazing people I wouldn't continue to grow and change everyday.
Today I celebrate 17 years of sobriety. I decided that it was time to write something about this, and what it means to me.
I still remember that first drink. I was sitting on the roof of our carport with friends (I was eleven years old), and one of them brought a six pack of Budweiser. I still remember the taste, but more importantly I remember the feeling I got after drinking that one beer. I spent the next ten years chasing that feeling.
I grew up in Alcoholics Anonymous. My Grandfather would have celebrated 41 years next month (he died 13 years ago), my Mom just celebrated 36 years and my Brother 18. It's a blessing to have these amazing examples in my life. My Father never got it and died two had a half years ago maintaining control.
17 years ago I called my younger Brother, because I couldn't live like this anymore. He gave me the name of someone to call in Los Angeles, and I immediately avoided calling. I was living with a friend who had dated someone who was sober. He called him and I went to my first meeting, not as Susan's son or Ralph's grandson, but Rick an Alcoholic. It immediately became a social gathering for me, and I wasn't willing to do anything except not take a drink. I knew what to say having grown up in the program, but my talk was just that talk. About three months into my sobriety someone told me to sit down and shut up. It was time to start listening. I am glad that I was receptive at that point, and whether it was because I wanted to please (I am a people pleaser), or really ready to listen I don't know. I do know that I took what was said and started listening. This got me through that first year of sobriety. I had a sponsor and built a solid group of friends. After that first year, I started to have thoughts that maybe I wasn't old enough, maybe I hadn't gone through enough to actually stay sober. I believe that this was the first time I actually asked for help from some higher power. That next Monday, in walked this beautiful young woman. She was 21 and five years sober. She saved my life that night. She proved to me that it didn't matter how old you were, only that you had a desire to stop drinking. I didn't want to go back to that life and realized that night that I didn't have to drink again. She is still the one constant in my life from those early days. We were roommates for awhile, and it was walking from our place to school one morning that I had my first of many spiritual awakenings. For some reason that morning (I always reflected while walking to school) I asked God to restore me to sanity.
Over the years my life has changed. I met, fell in love with and am still with the same person. We celebrate our fifteenth anniversary in less then one month. In 1995 I changed careers and continue to grow as a result. I started showing up for life. I started living everyday for just that day. I plan for my future, and I don't believe that I will ever drink again. What I do know is that I have a reprieve from my desire to drink today. I pray and meditate every morning and have a very strong connection to God.
There have been many people who have touched my life over the past 17 years. There are only a few outside of my family that have had such a profound impact that I will mention it here. There's that one friend who asked me once if my God was big enough to handle whatever I was going through at that time. I said, "No." He told me "fine, then get a new God. One that is big enough to handle the situation." It was at that point that I realized that it was my Higher Power. Then there was that one friend who told me early on that he liked me and wanted me to come around more. I don't ever remember a point in my life where someone actually told me that they liked me. I know it's very Sally Field, but someone who grew up with the pains and struggles to be liked, as I did was finally able to see that I was likeable just for being me. I can say that has changed over the past 17 years. J When I was five years sober my closest friend at the time told me that she was tired of trying to be someone different for each person. I realized at that point that if you didn't like for who I was then we weren't meant to be friends and that was OK.
Finally, something my Grandfather told me has stuck with me always. When I was trying to decide whether or not I wanted my Father in my life (at that point we hadn't spoken in over a year (this was after not seeing him from ages 14 – 20). He told me that I had to make a decision. Do I want my Father in my life? If I did, I needed to let go of all my preconceived ideas and let him be who he is going to be. He was a spiritually sick man, and I had to remove the label of Father and see the man. If I didn't want a relationship with him then I needed to tell him and let him go. On the two hour drive back from Palm Springs I went through it in my head. I prayed for an answer, and by the time I got home one was revealed. I called my Father and am happy to say that we had an amazing relationship. Once I let go of all my ideas and notions it became clear that we could have a relationship. Four months before he died he came to Los Angeles for the first time in twenty years. We bonded over that week. I was able to support him through his rough times, and get some closure. When he died, I was sad, but I had no regrets. We had said everything we needed to, and I know that he loved me in the best way he knew how.
None of these amazing things would have happened without my sobriety, my relationship with God, or the amazing people that have come into my life. I have many things to be grateful for in my life and I count those blessings everyday.
Thank you to Jeffrey, Toni, Rick L, Pamela, Nancy, Jack, Lauren, my entire family and all of the amazing friends I have today. Without all of these people, some who are still a big part of my life, some who have departed and some who have passed away, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Without these lessons or these amazing people I wouldn't continue to grow and change everyday.
Coming out
Someone asked me after posting a past BLOG to tell my coming out story. I didn't think that it was a big deal and haven't really talked about this in a long time. I wasn't going to write this until I read a short article in a magazine about the power of the BLOG and the impact that it could have without my knowledge.
I think that I realized I was Gay long before I was ever honest with myself or anyone else. Some things happened to me as a child that I won't address here, but I think that these events defined this part of my life. In fact if defined a great part of my life until I dealt with it and was able to move on.
The first time I ever mentioned the thought was my junior year in High School. I became friends with a Senior in my Physiology class who told me he was gay. I instantly had a crush on him. This was the first person who ever made me feel that it was OK. It wasn't anything he said, or did, it was just the fact that he was honest about who he was. We talked several times about this and then he graduated and I went back in the proverbial closet.
I spent the rest of my High School career hiding and denying who I really was. My Mom always had gay and lesbian friends, but I didn't want to be "one of those people." I don't know what I thought "those people" were like, but I knew that wasn't for me. I stole my brother's girlfriend. We dated for over 6 months, and then I decided it was time to move on. We broke up, but still kept in touch. During that time my family moved to Northern California and I moved into a guest house (more like a one room garage) in the back of a friend's house.
In December of that same year my Aunt convinced me that I needed to go through the Lifespring program. This would save me and fix all of my problems. I got what I could from this intense four day workshop. I drank more and avoided anyone and everyone that I perceived to be gay. That was except for Rick. Yes, Rick. He was persistent and wouldn't let me hide. After the workshop he called and we talked until one Saturday night (December 17 to be exact) he called and we spent four hours on the phone and by the end of that conversation (at 3 AM) I had admitted that I was gay and there was no turning back. The next month is sort of a blur for me. I remember my brother coming down during his winter break and hanging out with me. You see, my brother had a friend from high school that came out to him their senior year. This was the person I was hanging out with and the first friend I told that I was gay. He was actually the same person who came and rescued me that first New Years Eve from my first gay bar in West Hollywood (I was a lot drunk).
Anyway, my brother and our friend and I were sitting at what was then the Sports Connection talking. Brian finally looked at me and said, "I know what's going on, I just want you to tell me," so I said, "I'm Gay." He said that was cool and we moved on. Four days later I told my Mom who was in town for a convention. You see, I have always been close to my Mom, and prior to her arrival in LA I told her we needed to talk. Unbeknownst to me at the time she had run into someone I knew in High School at this convention who happened to be Gay. They spent a couple of hours that weekend discussing whether I was going to come out to her. I did in the last five minutes of lunch. She went home, told my Step-Dad and that was the end of it.
I am one of the lucky ones. My parents didn't disown me. They didn't shun me. They did go through their own process. My Step-Dad wanted to know if I could be cured. My Mom did the one thing she always does, and found a support group. She joined PFLAG and discovered that it was OK to have a Gay son. Over the course of the next month I came out to the rest of my family. My cousin thought I was A-sexual, my Aunt screamed Hallelujah and my grandparents (maternal), said they loved me no matter what.
Right before I came out my biological father came back into my life after being gone for seven years. It was a couple months later that he told me the same thing my brother did. I know, but I just want you to tell me. I don't care, as long as you are happy. He then went on to spout some things that I don't believe, but that was just his way of showing support.
Over the course of almost twenty years I have marched in parades, protests and been in the newspaper a couple of times. I have stood outside bars talking to people about safe sex and participated in the community.
I am not so active in those things anymore. I find that the older I get the less I am interested in those things. I believe that we should have the right to marry. I believe that people should learn to let go of the hate and the religious rhetoric. What I do is try to live my life everyday. I am kind (most of the time) and spiritual and I don't lie to people when they ask me that question. I am not ashamed of who I am, but being gay doesn't define me. Who I love and spend my life with is between me and God.
Well that's the short version of my story. I hope that this helps someone, somewhere. I am unique, as I had and have a family that has always supported and loved me no matter what. This isn't a choice. I didn't choose to be this way, if I had a choice I wouldn't pick discrimination. I also wouldn't change who I am for the anything in the world. I am a loving, caring human being. I would go to the ends of the earth for my friends and family. I try everyday to be kind to god's kids. I just happen to be attracted to men. That's just the way god made me.
I think that I realized I was Gay long before I was ever honest with myself or anyone else. Some things happened to me as a child that I won't address here, but I think that these events defined this part of my life. In fact if defined a great part of my life until I dealt with it and was able to move on.
The first time I ever mentioned the thought was my junior year in High School. I became friends with a Senior in my Physiology class who told me he was gay. I instantly had a crush on him. This was the first person who ever made me feel that it was OK. It wasn't anything he said, or did, it was just the fact that he was honest about who he was. We talked several times about this and then he graduated and I went back in the proverbial closet.
I spent the rest of my High School career hiding and denying who I really was. My Mom always had gay and lesbian friends, but I didn't want to be "one of those people." I don't know what I thought "those people" were like, but I knew that wasn't for me. I stole my brother's girlfriend. We dated for over 6 months, and then I decided it was time to move on. We broke up, but still kept in touch. During that time my family moved to Northern California and I moved into a guest house (more like a one room garage) in the back of a friend's house.
In December of that same year my Aunt convinced me that I needed to go through the Lifespring program. This would save me and fix all of my problems. I got what I could from this intense four day workshop. I drank more and avoided anyone and everyone that I perceived to be gay. That was except for Rick. Yes, Rick. He was persistent and wouldn't let me hide. After the workshop he called and we talked until one Saturday night (December 17 to be exact) he called and we spent four hours on the phone and by the end of that conversation (at 3 AM) I had admitted that I was gay and there was no turning back. The next month is sort of a blur for me. I remember my brother coming down during his winter break and hanging out with me. You see, my brother had a friend from high school that came out to him their senior year. This was the person I was hanging out with and the first friend I told that I was gay. He was actually the same person who came and rescued me that first New Years Eve from my first gay bar in West Hollywood (I was a lot drunk).
Anyway, my brother and our friend and I were sitting at what was then the Sports Connection talking. Brian finally looked at me and said, "I know what's going on, I just want you to tell me," so I said, "I'm Gay." He said that was cool and we moved on. Four days later I told my Mom who was in town for a convention. You see, I have always been close to my Mom, and prior to her arrival in LA I told her we needed to talk. Unbeknownst to me at the time she had run into someone I knew in High School at this convention who happened to be Gay. They spent a couple of hours that weekend discussing whether I was going to come out to her. I did in the last five minutes of lunch. She went home, told my Step-Dad and that was the end of it.
I am one of the lucky ones. My parents didn't disown me. They didn't shun me. They did go through their own process. My Step-Dad wanted to know if I could be cured. My Mom did the one thing she always does, and found a support group. She joined PFLAG and discovered that it was OK to have a Gay son. Over the course of the next month I came out to the rest of my family. My cousin thought I was A-sexual, my Aunt screamed Hallelujah and my grandparents (maternal), said they loved me no matter what.
Right before I came out my biological father came back into my life after being gone for seven years. It was a couple months later that he told me the same thing my brother did. I know, but I just want you to tell me. I don't care, as long as you are happy. He then went on to spout some things that I don't believe, but that was just his way of showing support.
Over the course of almost twenty years I have marched in parades, protests and been in the newspaper a couple of times. I have stood outside bars talking to people about safe sex and participated in the community.
I am not so active in those things anymore. I find that the older I get the less I am interested in those things. I believe that we should have the right to marry. I believe that people should learn to let go of the hate and the religious rhetoric. What I do is try to live my life everyday. I am kind (most of the time) and spiritual and I don't lie to people when they ask me that question. I am not ashamed of who I am, but being gay doesn't define me. Who I love and spend my life with is between me and God.
Well that's the short version of my story. I hope that this helps someone, somewhere. I am unique, as I had and have a family that has always supported and loved me no matter what. This isn't a choice. I didn't choose to be this way, if I had a choice I wouldn't pick discrimination. I also wouldn't change who I am for the anything in the world. I am a loving, caring human being. I would go to the ends of the earth for my friends and family. I try everyday to be kind to god's kids. I just happen to be attracted to men. That's just the way god made me.
A lack of Media Priority and Responsibility
I have finally been inspired to write another BLOG entry. I was at the gym this morning getting ready for work and the news was on the Television. I usually half listen to what they are saying, but Good Morning America caught my ear this morning. The leading story, the number one news item… The death of Anna Nicole Smith. With the war in Iraq, the unrest in Afghanistan, the Nuclear situations in North Korea and Iran and the peace process that has started again between Fatah and Hamas in Meca. Not to mention the many other things going on around the world and here at home that I just haven't gotten to yet.
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What does it say about our society that we are so obsessed with the death of a woman who was only a celebrity because she posed nude in Playboy, married a man 63 years her senior and was a Guess Model for a short time. As a result of these things, as well as her short lived reality series and her relationship with Trim Spa she became more of a caricature then a true celebrity.
Maybe, rather then dealing with what's happening around the world it's easier to "glob on" to this type of person. I assume that it's much easier to follow the life and constant dealings of Anna Nicole Smith then it is to focus on what's happening around the world. I think that it's sad that someone had to die so young, but no disrespect she was just a woman who played hard and it caught up with her. It has become a sad state in this country and more importantly in the media that this is the headline, the top story.
I guess through this BLOG I am perpetuating this by spending so much time focusing on her, but I think that we all need to wake up and look at the people we idolize, people we call role models. The bottom line, we are all human. We all make mistakes, but more importantly we all make choices. We live with those choices and the mistakes as a result, or sometimes (hopefully more often then not) the positives.
That is all I am going to say about this topic. Read or watch the news and look at what's happening in our country and around the world. The Celebrity gossip is a fun escape, but how many people know more about Brad, Angelina and Jennifer then Abbas, Al Maliki, Olmert and Bush? Do you know who's running for President next year? Have you begun your research, or are you going to vote down party lines because it's easier?
That's all for today. Be kind to Gods Children and remember to always be grateful!
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What does it say about our society that we are so obsessed with the death of a woman who was only a celebrity because she posed nude in Playboy, married a man 63 years her senior and was a Guess Model for a short time. As a result of these things, as well as her short lived reality series and her relationship with Trim Spa she became more of a caricature then a true celebrity.
Maybe, rather then dealing with what's happening around the world it's easier to "glob on" to this type of person. I assume that it's much easier to follow the life and constant dealings of Anna Nicole Smith then it is to focus on what's happening around the world. I think that it's sad that someone had to die so young, but no disrespect she was just a woman who played hard and it caught up with her. It has become a sad state in this country and more importantly in the media that this is the headline, the top story.
I guess through this BLOG I am perpetuating this by spending so much time focusing on her, but I think that we all need to wake up and look at the people we idolize, people we call role models. The bottom line, we are all human. We all make mistakes, but more importantly we all make choices. We live with those choices and the mistakes as a result, or sometimes (hopefully more often then not) the positives.
That is all I am going to say about this topic. Read or watch the news and look at what's happening in our country and around the world. The Celebrity gossip is a fun escape, but how many people know more about Brad, Angelina and Jennifer then Abbas, Al Maliki, Olmert and Bush? Do you know who's running for President next year? Have you begun your research, or are you going to vote down party lines because it's easier?
That's all for today. Be kind to Gods Children and remember to always be grateful!
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